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The last cigarette before being shooted
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The last cigarette before being shooted
The firing squad from Riker's Island marched out on the parade ground. Six soldiers, led by Capt. Loughboro, lined up at attention, facing the wooden post.
Two soldiers, one on each side, marched Tony the Termite to the post and tied his hands behind his back. Capt. Loughboro stepped forward with a blindfold and tied it around Tony's eyes.
"Would you care for a cigarette?" the captain asked.
"Yes, I would," Tony said. "I'll take a king-size mentholated."
The captain drew one out of a pack and placed it in Tony's mouth. He was about to light it when a uniformed inspector from the city's Antismoking Unit ran on the parade ground and cried, "Halt! You cannot smoke on this property during a firing squad execution."
"That's ridiculous," the captain said. "Puffing a last cigarette before being shot is an ancient military tradition."
"Never mind tradition. No one is permitted to blow smoke within 10 feet of another person as it's hazardous to everyone's health. Tony isn't just doing harm to himself but to the firing squad as well."
"Suppose I move the squad 10 feet back?" the captain suggested.
"That still would be considered secondhand smoke. Don't you have any respect for human life at all?"
The captain turned to Tony, "Would it bother you to give up your last cigarette?"
"It certainly would. This is a free country and when it comes to puffing, I know my rights."
The captain riffled through a book. "He's right," he said to the inspector. "It says here no one can be shot unless he is offered a last cigarette of his choice."
"But we're only doing this for his health. If Tony sucks on that fag he's going to develop a terrible cough."
"I'll worry about that," Tony protested. "It's too late to quit smoking. I should have done it years ago when it had some meaning. Now, let's knock off the sweet talk and give me a light."
The inspector said, "That's the trouble with people who face capital punishment. They think of nobody but themselves. We are never going to have clean air if smokers ignore the rights of others. Well, I'm warning you. If the captain 1lights up your cigarette I'm going to arrest you for violating the law and it's going to cost you."
Tony asked, "What will I get?"
"Thirty days and a $50 fine."
"I'll take it. That's better than what they are going to give me now," Tony declared.
The captain barked at the inspector, "I won't hear of it. This man has been sentenced to die by the firing squad and you are interfering in the outcome. Get out of here."
"I'm giving you notice," the inspector admonished, "that you can be locked up for aiding and abetting a smoker, which is a capital crime. I suggest you dispense with the cigarette and get on with the execution."
Tony said, "I protest. There is nothing to prove that smoking is hazardous to your health. I will fight to my dying breath to enjoy my last cigarette because I have only one puff to give for my country. I say, 'Give me liberty or give me a Marlboro.' "
The captain said to the inspector, "Now you've done it. We're not going to be able to shoot him until he goes to Smokenders."
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